Friday night staying at home. I found myself in love with YouTube, now apparently my new source of knowledge. Going through videos and videos of music, listening, previewing, it’s like the ultimate Tower Records sampling station. And then I go to Amazon to add the album into my shopping cart. My music library is expanding, finally. Here’s a rare find thank god to YouTube – a techno track from 1991! And it sounded amazing. I almost feel that 20 years later, electronic music is heading back to its minimalistic roots in some ways. But in any case, how else would I land on this song and learned about this otherwise? Thank you YouTube!

I think I am going to write again.

Here’s the progressive sound of 1985, when Daft Punk was still sucking on popsicles in the playground. Thanks again, YouTube!

I experienced something happy. And like any other experience in life, it’s sometimes difficult to pinpoint exactly what/who had made it happen. So here are some ideas.

* * * * *

I had a dream. And in that dream I was happy. It felt like waking to a summer morning knowing I would hike all day in the Cascades with my mother. It was more like drinking a glass of green tea with three pieces of ice inside bumping against each other. Walking through a short breeze. A simple poem of simple words, maybe. A dedication. A midnight drive. A pair of jazzy hands moving across the keyboard somewhere, I know. A sleepless night turned into a sunrise, into a bright day that shone onto my white curtains. Inside an empty cathedral and I was calm, and I didn’t care. Inside all those thoughts of mine that gave no answer. It was like singing in a shower. Revisiting a city. Taking a bath in a hotel in Budapest, and remembering that I was alone, and sober. Remembering, and continued to remember all the little things. Like the first kiss, and the last goodbye. The tears in her eyes that were true. The tears in my eyes that were true, too. A lecture. A photograph I took. Being in a fog with someone. And finding a piece of art that nobody knew. It was when words expressed were understood. When I completed a book and held it close to my chest to feel the after effect. When I completed anything. It was also TV watching at eleven thirty. Then turning the TV off and shutting everything down. When I slept with no reason. And woke up to no reason, no purpose, no sense of life, just a yawn, a scratch on my head, a rub in my eye. Waking up to a dream. To real life, with a feeling, with a hunch, that was nice and smooth. My heart beating to a new rhythm of certainty when I knew something had changed, forever. When I trembled within while I stood still. When everything loops back to square one. When it was another dejavu with a keener and kinder touch. When it may just be another dejavu, but better.

In the wake of my last birthday in my 20’s, I have fully realized the effects of a gradual, eventual, less expectation on everything.

I say this because since my 10th birthday, which totally rocked, birthday celebration has become a year after year of eating, drinking, and forgetting. I am such a downer indeed, but it was true. Because my 10th birthday party was so great, nothing could have topped it, ever. If I may go a little back into my childhood memory and document this tonight – I still remember sitting with my mom by our cold, granite dinning table folding birthday hats. There were plates of my favorite treats, not a whole lot, but enought to make me happy knowing that my best friends will soon come and enjoy them with me! I turned 10 that day, and the whole house turned into a party for me, for me, and only for me! We played video games, jumped on beds and had a big pillow fight. My mom let me do it all, and that was better than anything in the whole wide world – those little things, laughters that come not because of some sarcastic humor, for knowing too much or too little of things that don’t matter, but because of just being, just being a kid.

I wonder what happiness is, was, then. Is life itself just a deterioration, a contant fall from heaven. And now, writing things that make me feel down actually somehow makes me feel a little happier, knowing that I’ve had it all, right there and then.

And so I am, finally, on my sofa again, with music.

It’s been a long time.

The Denon speakers which I imported from Japan right out of college have now retired, and replaced by a set of Totem Rainmakers in cherry. Took the plunge as a birthday present for myself and went to the Stereo Exchange down in Soho with DJ. This is probably the first pair of more serious audiophile grade equipment ever acquired. Obviously, though, without a truly decent source and interconnects, just the speakers isn’t enough, but I’ll wait.

Now here’s a little audio review. The Denon Presta speakers have always sounded too bright for me. The highs were edgy, but not clear. My real problem was with the midrange and bass – while the mids seem to be OK with vocals, the lower ends were sloppy and unrefined. I knew it was nothing to do with my source, because I’ve had a fairly decent entry-level tube amp the Cayin TA-30.

The Rainmaker sounds a bit laidback at the store, almost like playing behind a nice silky vail. The highs and low ends aren’t that pronounced, but seem to be able to balance with each other, which was something that my Denon lacked. So I went with the Rainmakers, after comparing to Vienna Acoustic’s and a pair of Era (which had a nice all wood cabinet).

Right of the box the Rainmaker was already miles ahead of my old speakers (which costed about $500-600 a pair). Everything’s much tighter, clearer. But the sound is not as laidback as first heard at the shop – it’s a little bit harsh overall. I am hoping that with a good breaking-in period, the harshness will go away. Already though, music start to sound like instruments playing harmonically, instead of just “tunes” and “melodies.”

I’d like to experience that kind of quiet heart pumping when a song is played back poetically, like in a live concert, or perhaps, better.

Rainmaker, please calm down and make my day.