In the wake of my last birthday in my 20’s, I have fully realized the effects of a gradual, eventual, less expectation on everything.

I say this because since my 10th birthday, which totally rocked, birthday celebration has become a year after year of eating, drinking, and forgetting. I am such a downer indeed, but it was true. Because my 10th birthday party was so great, nothing could have topped it, ever. If I may go a little back into my childhood memory and document this tonight – I still remember sitting with my mom by our cold, granite dinning table folding birthday hats. There were plates of my favorite treats, not a whole lot, but enought to make me happy knowing that my best friends will soon come and enjoy them with me! I turned 10 that day, and the whole house turned into a party for me, for me, and only for me! We played video games, jumped on beds and had a big pillow fight. My mom let me do it all, and that was better than anything in the whole wide world – those little things, laughters that come not because of some sarcastic humor, for knowing too much or too little of things that don’t matter, but because of just being, just being a kid.

I wonder what happiness is, was, then. Is life itself just a deterioration, a contant fall from heaven. And now, writing things that make me feel down actually somehow makes me feel a little happier, knowing that I’ve had it all, right there and then.